If You Don’t Make My Cock Happy, Off To Archive Jail You Go!!
I run this porn site like a run my town. If you fuck up, you go to the archive jail. “What is the archive jail?” you might ask. Well, it’s simple. The archive jail is where I put all the sites that don’t deserve your immediate attention. A site has to redeem itself if it wants to get out of the archive jail. And there are many reasons for which a website can be thrown behind digital bars. Now, I’ve seen sites redeeming themselves big time. Entire networks have done it. So, there is hope, which is why I created the archive. I don’t want a site to improve itself and don’t show it the recognition it deserves. The sheriff may be harsh on fuckers who are messing up the porn game, but he is a fair sheriff nonetheless.
If you want to understand the archive jail better, let me tell you about some of the reasons a website can end up here. You can also use this list of fuckups to figure out if a site is worthy or not by yourself.
We’ll Be Waiting For The Resurrection To Come For Some Sites
The most common type of sites that you’ll find in the archive jail is the dead ones. So, you can also call it an archive cemetery. So, why don’t I delete the sites of my platform completely? I tell you why, you unfaithful bastard!
There is a God of Porn somewhere out there. And he will send Porn Jesus down to earth to resurrect some of these sites when the time comes. I have seen so many sites coming back to life from beyond death. Porn miracles are real! There are countless reasons for which a site can die. Some go bankrupt because they couldn’t convince enough fuckers to pay their memberships and keep the lights on. Some are run by batshit crazy webmasters going on year-long coke and whores benders and forget to pay the hosting and domain registration. I’ve had a fucker who was drunk one night and deleted the entire website by mistake. Don’t think that the guys behind these sites are always geniuses.
Tone It Down With The Ads, You Fools!
Have you ever been cock blocked when you tried to watch porn? Because that shit is real, and it feels just like when you try to fuck some hot bitch at the saloon, only to have her fat friend fucking up your game. While I do have a solution for the real-life cock block by fucking both bitches simultaneously, I do not have a solution for getting cock blocked by ads. As you already know, the sheriff will not endorse the use of ad-blockers in the world of porn. All those cumsluts getting their holes stretched to their limits in the porn movies you are watching and all the webmasters working hard to build up sites for you deserve to get their reward.
The whole ads situation comes from the free porn tubes. And I am ok with ads as long as they are good and useful. Show me a side banner with a GIF featuring a skinny white girl choking on a massive black cock. Show me Angela White covered in cum or Piper Perry getting femdomed by two BBW ebonies. Or better, pair up your content with some cam whores from the same kink category, and you will convince me to leave your site and go to the platform of your advertiser.
But don’t show me bullshit! When I see popups advertising cock enlargement pills or hot MILFs near you, it drives me insane. First of all, I don’t need those services. My cock is just as big as my horse’s and I already know that the MILFs from the church can’t wait for their husbands to leave home so that I can pay them a pussy-stretching visit. And second, we all know those ads are fake. Who are they trying to scam? Are there fuckers amongst you who would fall for such lame scams? Well, I guess those of you with small dicks and no MILFs for railing.
I’d Rather Jerk Off To Old People Fucking
It’s rare that I throw a porn site in the archive jail for this reason because you can’t go wrong with porn. I mean, even when a bitch hates getting a facial, she’s still kind of hot. But there are some sites fucking this up nonetheless. And it’s usually because they try to oversell their content. They talk and talk about how wild the movies and galleries of their platform are and then deliver you some poorly directed movies in which the performers are awkward and cringe in front of the camera. I want to see lust and whoring. I don’t mind shy bitches. But if you bring me porn movies in which the male performer is shy and fucks like a virgin, you can go fuck yourself. If you bring me a porn collection where most of the content is just other members of the site jerking off alone in homemade videos, you can go fuck yourself and post the video on the same site. If you bring me a collection of porn where most of the videos have been deleted due to copyright strikes, guess what! You can go fuck yourself with your dad’s cock.
Should I Jerk Off To A Buffering Wheel?
I mean, you know that the sheriff doesn’t judge anyone. You can have any fetish; it doesn’t matter to me. And if your ultimate fantasy is to stick your dick in that rotating wheel that pops up whenever a porn vid takes too long to buffer, then, by all means, go for some of the sites in the archive jail. However, if you’re not into it, you will find it just as annoying as I find it. So, if you feel like any of the sites I recommend are taking forever to load or buffer, please report them to me. First, I’ll make sure they do load slow and you’re not just a dumbass with a shitty internet connection. And if they do load slow, I’ll throw them in the archive jail myself. But If you are looking for the best porn sites, Check out my homepage and be sure to bookmark it for the future cock polishing sessions, Enjoy fapping MotherFuckers!!
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